It's been a while...

...so, what's happened during my long hiatus? Well, I joined the games industry, left the games industry and now just have a toe in it. And what better way to celebrate my triumphant return to this blog than the...

4 Worst Horses in Games

1. Agro in Shadow of the Colossus

I know there's a lot of love out there for Agro. He's your only friend in a harsh landscape populated with huge creatures. But my complaint doesn't really lie with Agro himself. It's not his fault he looks like that. It's the fault of a development team that spent many hours creating expansive vistas and mind-blowing bosses, but couldn't spend fifteen fucking minutes to check which way a horse's knee bends. Don't even get me started on when he's galloping around and all four limbs become jointless noodley appendages. If a vet saw him flailing about like that he'd have him shot in the face on the spot.

2. Any Horse in Skyrim

Skyrim horses on the other hand, look all right. They're not going to win any Best in Show rosettes, but their legs work. They're just total dicks. Sure footed to the point of ridiculousness when you're just messing around, as soon as you actually need them to not fall off a cliff and plummet to their doom, that's the first thing they do. They're also aggressive nutters, leaping out to take on armed bandits and dragons while you're hiding in a bush trying to snipe them quietly from a distance. Idiots.

 

 

 

 

3. 'Stealth' Horses in Metal Gear Solid 5

Another logistical nightmare. Anyone who's ever ridden a horse knows they are creatures incapable of stealth. When they're not freaking out because the bush they've walked past a hundred times before is terrifying today, they're farting loudly and unashamedly. And I know that's not really the point in MGS5, but even taking into account that the horse itself isn't supposed to be the stealthiest, Snake's enemies must be monumentally thick to think nothing of a horse strolling past them in full tack keeping one side completely hidden from their view. Y'know, like horses do.

4. Jade's Horse in Pippa Funnell: Take the Reins

That's it, don't acknowledge my presence in any way, just how I like it

My husband bought me this game as a hilarious joke. Cos I like games and I like horses and I'm not opposed to Pippa Funnell, so obviously it was the 'ideal' present. The problem with Jade's horse is he demonstrates all the traits that are likely to put people off owning horses. He's disobedient, slow to react to aids, plunges into or refuses jumps, misbehaves in the dressage arena and requires constant, repetitive patting, grooming and mucking out, which he accepts woodenly with no discernible signs of appreciation. Or maybe I just wasn't very good at the game.